So, what is your problem? (CONSCIENCE)
I don’t know exactly what is my problem?(THE GIRL)
Then know it
I think I know it
Then..accept it, acknowledge it
Yea..i think that again is a problem, accepting it
You miss him, right?
Yes, a lot
And you keep hounding him, huh!
Yea..in a way
Why? And for what? Does it give you any joy?
I don’t know why I do that?
You know what?..you know everything..but you just don’t
accept…
Hmmmm
What hmm…Come on , be brave and face head on…do one
thing….line them out..honestly
Hmmm..okay…I miss him, I miss him a lot and I want to know whatever is
happening in his life?
Well…missing is fine, but why do you want to keep a track of
his life? It’s his, let him deal with it.
I know, I know, I know it’s wrong, but I feel so helpless
when I am unable to know if he is doing fine, if he is happy, if he is alive
Oh…so basically you want to keep a check on his wellbeing
Kind of….
Be specific…
Yes, I want to know his well-being all through my life
So that is possible by easier means, why do you need to chase
him for that. Havn’t he told you so many times in so many ways that it
infuriates him when you bug him and budge in his life! Do you need some kind of
irrational treatment to understand such a simple thing?
No, I mean..i know I intrude, but that’s too out of helplessness…I
miss him badly and when it crosses beyond my limits of acceptance and
tolerance..i restart niggling him…and I very well know that he doesn’t like all
that..
So my dear, when you know so much so aptly, why do you do
these things, I mean why do you have to keep humiliating yourself, disturb him
and worsen the bond which has been long locked at certain epoch. Why don’t you
simply recognize it and agree to stay back there it-self if you want to
experience the elation of the past?
I do try..
Stop that nonsense, since when you started trying?You always
said…there’s nothing like trying…”you either do” or “you don’t”..am I right?
Hmm…you are right
So please, take the gear of your life in hand, move the
steering of your thoughts and drive ahead, don’t keep putting the reverse..that
won’t take you anywhere. You will keep hurting yourself and also him
Him?..he says he is happy
And you believe in it
Of course, why would he lie about that
Granted, that he is happy but does that mean, he doesn’t hold
any pain..
He does, I know very well that he do…and I know I am the
cause of most of his miseries..i know I have troubled him and am doing the same
now too
You know everything and still you don’t change your ways
Do you think I don’t want to?..every single day I pray for
strength to forget him, to learn to live without him, to push him out of my
mind..but the more I do these, the more he comes back hitting me harder..and I
fail..i fail I fail…I again start wanting him more and more
So you mean to say you want him in physical, near you, close
to you by all means
No no…I don’t intend to say that…I mean of course physical
presence around is the big thing to happen, but that is not the only intention
to seek him…it would not matter that grave if he doesn’t show up for the whole
life, than seeing him with all the hatred in his eyes..i am not capable of
handling his hatred towards me..it hurts, it hurts, it hurts..it hurts to the
core
So who is responsible for all this, aren’t you?
Yes I am..and I have apologized so many times for the same..but
it seems the hatred he holds for me is unending and will cease only with my
life…I never knew the price of falling in love was that huge
For what?
For the wrongs I have done..
So what wrong do you think you have done?
Though many, but majorly in three big rungs…
1.
Letting him come into my life…(he deserved a
better person)
2.
Giving him hopes ( which I could never fulfill)
3.
Letting him go out of my life (when there were
all chances to embrace him forever)
So you agree that it was solely your fault?
Majorly yes, but I think he too was wrong in not finding me
out when he should have?
Oh is it, so you blaming him for that now
No, I am not blaming, I cannot blame him for anything
Then what is your problem darling..come on grow up…
Hmm…my problem, my problem is HIM, my problem is that I love
him, my problem is that I miss him…my problem is that he is not mine…my problem
is that he cannot be mine..and the bigger problem is I never understood why I
love him so much when he hates me equally..
Oh…I remember, you always said..- to belong to someone, you
need to unite through heart and soul, physical bonding is not that important
and
Yes..i still believe in that..and I am strongly confident
that he resides in me…but you know..i am human…I fail ..i fail to be matured
all the time
See you have observed that leaving those few beautiful times,
he otherwise always get sick of you whenever you hit back in his life… Ok..let’s work it out this
way..stop thinking about what is not there, what cannot be brought, what cannot
be done and what could not be done. Don’t think about the detail that he is not
interested in holding you in life anymore, don’t think about the piece that
says that he is sick of you and your crabbiness, your crossness. Rather think
about the verity that he wanted you, he wanted you so so much, he loved you
more than anything else in his life, he gave you the most beautiful moments of
your life, he treated you like a princess…think about the reality that you
lived rather than the whimsies which may never become true…AND Maybe
darling…may be he got more love and care from some one else and may be that is
why you are no more required..
I agree..i totally agree that he’s been the best thing ever
happened to me in my life I lived till day, and he gave me the most emancipating
experiences I would have never got if it was not for him. But parallelly, he
sometimes treated me like shit, he never trusted me for most of the things…he
acted as if he meant to me only for my selfish motives..i mean at times, he
made me feel so so low about myself that I still often doubt that do I deserve to live, am I really that
bad a person, haven’t I loved him beyond all the boundaries I was tied in,
haven’t I regarded him as the best gift of life, haven’t I thought of him in
the highest regards in my heart…haven’t I been the most vulnerable when it came
to being with him, in his company to accommodate his ways of loving me…haven’t I
too desired him in equal measures as he did
me…haven’t I splattered my most veiled means of adore unto him…haven’t I
given him my soul to get immersed in his love…haven’t I loved him involving my
every vein and nerve…
Of course you did, but you did wronged out somewhere too..and
that’s what you are being rebuked for, and as in your own words, every wrong
act should be penalized and so now it’s your turn to pay the price
I don’t deny to that. But am I not already paying the price in torturing
bits, after already paying the biggest, in form of losing him..what more do I
need to go through then?
Perhaps more…
Yes indeed..and certainly he is right in laying down the
punishment for me in his own words saying-“ I should not be given the privilege
of listening to his voice, no opportunity to see him and no means to remain in
touch with him..all these till I live, and to die with the same”..isn’t it too
harsh…
May be, but he too have had a huge share of pain all because
of you, he has had a tougher time than this, he had rolled out his heart crying
numerous times due to your deeds, he has had enough unpleasant things happening
in his life, and now it is your turn. May be because he could not say straight
to you to get lost, he laid the punishment for you..do you need still more push
and thrush to leave him..
Though he said he doesn’t care what I do and what I don’t ,But
it seems, he still cares for me, he still worries about my well being,I still
feel warmth of love when I think of him, I still feel he is as much mine as he
was before becoming else’s, I still feel he too misses me and he too thinks of
me…I still feel though miles apart, he can hear me when I call his name when
alone, I still feel beyond all that hatred…there’s higher love left..
Of course he must be doing, but you are forgetting sweetheart
that he has been very straight forward in expressing his thoughts..he has told
you several times that he is annoyed with you, is angry with you, and holds
enough grudges in his heart against you to let him never forgive you in this
life…he has already told you that you need to suffer like this till you live,
then why do you still hold the whims of him being in love with you…why don’t you
accept that you were his past…and past is gone and there’s no love left in his
heart for you. And if it’s correct that he still worries about you then why do
you want to trouble him more by showing him your pains…why do you want to
disturb him by your disturbed thoughts. Why don’t you leave him alone?
I do not want to harass him or do any such thing
But you are doing… by chasing him, telling him that you miss
him and all, you very well know that nothing can be done in this context
now..so why do you hurt him by your actions…you know he is in the happiest
phase of his life, he got what he wanted, and he is living it all, is that your
problem, you can’t see him happy?..huh? or you can’t see him happy without you?
No no, no ways..i always want him to be happy…infact that’s
how I want him to be..happy happier
That’s it ..then please leave bothering him and intruding in
his life…haven’t you already given him enough pain in all measures and
kind..now please let him live peacefully…See…that’s not love if you keep on
hurting whom you claim to love…you cannot be loving him if you are into aching
his heart all the time..give him space..grant him his individuality…leaving him
there would not lessen your love in any ways….no one is going to stop you from
loving him…Love all that you can but also give all he wants…and all he wants is
truce…..give him. He deserves to be happy…he deserves to be peaceful..and so do
you..you know very well that you haven’t had any malign or selfish motives
while you were in liaison with him..if you know about your devotion and allegiance,
that is all how it should be. You do not need to prove it to anybody, not even
to him…if his heart is unsure about your trustworthiness then nothing in this
world can make him believe in you for reliability. So stop moaning about that,
if it had to be, it would have been, and if it has to be, it will be for sure.
So stop smoldering your heart on the concerns of not being in his good
books,..if time has changed for bad..it will change for good too…certainly
there will be a day when he would see you in the same light as he did years
back….but you don’t have to again start expecting all that and again creating
some whimsies..what you need to do in all is to call it a day…
That is the toughest part..i just cannot imagine going away
from him
Away…what away…you are not near him any which ways
Yea..but through some means I am with him..i can’t
disconnect them
You have to otherwise he will..sooner or later, so not to
gain more pain..you better accept the reality and stop your idiotic behavior
towards yourself and him. Respect yourself for who you are, be thankful for
what you got, be graceful towards the time gone by, enlighten the present with
optimism and be hopeful about the future….live every moment as it comes and
stop worrying about ‘what would happen if’ and ‘what would happen if not”…just
live and let live….and need be…disconnect all worldly means that gives you the
temptation and opportunities to peep in his life..it’s not fair..stop doing
that..
Yes…ok
Dear..you are not the only one who has got pain, look at
other people in the world around..there is so much more misery and hardships
than you can even imagine. Consider yourself lucky to have what you have, to
experience the good things, to learn from the bad phases and to be alive
amongst the best people. Think of all the good happenings and blessings of your
life. Think of all those for whom you
mean so much more than just you. Overall, think about the love he gave you and
just keep savoring that love through memories. Appreciate good memories and aid
the bad ones to get healed. Time is the best medicine …give time to yourself,
to this association and to your emotions to settle down…And consent to the
punishment gracefully and endure it all your life….
But I won’t be seeing anymore of him…
Ohh..come on…you stubborn shameless….you anyways don’t see
much of him..a glimpse in years..a word in ages..is that all you are dying
for..grow up..take air…stop torchering yourself…forgive yourself and accept
yourself, love yourself…
OK….so be it..if this is all that I deserve..this is all the
he thinks I deserve…so I accept to bear this reprimand all my life..but I would
make a request to him….that whatever happens, come what may, he should not show
any gesture of kindness, sympathy or any act to help me if he finds or if he
thinks that I am going through a troubled time, because my penance would only
be justified if I go through all the pain without mercy…And if ever, he wants
to shower his concern on me then it has to be only then and then..when he is
able to forgive me for everything he holds me guilty of, if he can accept me as
a human being I am, if he can empty all the grudges against me from his heart
and if he can love me without any inhibitions and past holdups, only then he
should make a contact…..no matter how much I crib, I cry, I try to reach him,
his heart should not melt over any stupidity or helplessness of mine…he should
stay as obstinate in this matter as he remains obdurate when it comes to
acknowledging my words of love…if it takes this life..then be it..i would
suffer the retribution till I live, but would not want any more of his
condolences on my pitiable state of mind and life…Because I do not wish to live
on his sympathy…if he has to give something then it has to be his love or
nothing..i cannot stand the indifference anymore..i am broken..i am
shattered..and now I want to get up and walk….i know it would not be easy
without him..but in any ways..it has to be so..
That’s good..but do it with the right spirit ..not to prove
to him or anyone, but to do your reparation for the remorse you hold, to give
the ordinary life to yourself and to give him the much deserved harmony in his
life…let him go…understand..that you both were not meant for each other..if you
were..you would have been together now..
Hmm…I am not sure how successful will I be in standing upto
it…but I will put in all my faith and courage to this effort of mine…I hope
there comes a day before I die, when he had stopped settling scores with me by
his aggressive means. The day comes when he looks into my eyes and say that he
loves me the same way and I would see no more hurt and whines for me, left in
his beautiful eyes…I would always love him and miss him…..How I wish.i had never met you,.How I
wish-Either I hadn’t fallen in love with you OR I had met with memory loss
after I lost you…how I wish I had died this night and not wake up to see one
more day with your hatred, my love..How I wish..I could..
Good..hope you stick to your words and do not drop your
dignity in your own eyes and once again in his eyes…be courageous..be practical..be
strong..god bless
Sometimes heart takes a little longer to accept what the mind
has already understood and agreed to…
